


Handbook for the Newly Immortal

by caranfindel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Mark of Cain (Supernatural), Season/Series 10
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-15
Updated: 2015-02-15
Packaged: 2020-02-10 03:47:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18652279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caranfindel/pseuds/caranfindel
Summary: Season 10 - Sam and Dean play road games and try not to talk about important things, like the Mark of Cain. Dialogue only, and some of this will make more sense if you're familiar with The Princess Bride and The Simpsons.





	Handbook for the Newly Immortal

DEAN: I killed... um... an okani in Oakland. Two points.

SAM: No, that's only one point. Okani starts with O-K, but Oakland starts with O-A, so you only get one point for the O.

D: Crap. Okay. I killed an okani in Oklahoma City. O-K and O-K.

S: Yeah, good, that's two points. I killed a... uh... rakshasa in Raleigh. R-A and R-A, so I get two points.

D: I killed a tulpa in Tulsa. T-U-L and T-U-L.

S: Oooh, good one. Three points. You're up to five. So... I killed a demon in Des Moines. Two points, so I'm up to four.

D: Amazon in Amarillo. Three points. Kickin' your ass, little brother. I'm up to eight.

S: Dammit. Um. Shit. A rugaru in Rochester.

D: Seriously, Sam? One point. You suck. And I just killed a siren in Sioux Falls. Bam! Two more points brings me to ten, and I win the round.

S: I shouldn't have let you take back Oakland.

D: Shoulda, coulda, woulda, Sammy. 

 

...

 

D: I killed a man in Manhattan.

S: No, you can't use that one.

D: Why not? We kill people.

S: Not on purpose. Not when they're human.

D: But what if it's a man who's doing something monstery, like Sue Ann LaGrange and her reaper on a leash?

S: Okay, but Sue Ann LaGrange isn't a man.

D: All right. I killed Sue Ann in Suwanee. Does that work for you?

S: Yeah, that works. Two points.

 

...

 

D: Hurry up.

S: Hold your water. I can't come up with a good one.

D: So use a bad one.

S: Fine! I killed a kitsune in Knoxville.

D: One point? You suck. I've got the best one ever. You ready for this? I killed a phoenix. In _Phoenix._ Seven points, bitch. Beat that.

S: Oh, you wanna play that way? Fine. I killed a Jefferson Starship in Jefferson City. Nine points, and that gives me ten total, for the win.

D: Screw you. 

S: You are such a sore loser.

D: Yeah, whatever. I'm gonna kill a bitch in Big Bend. I'll get two points for that one.

S: Fine. I'll kill a jerk in Jersey City. Three points.

D: You wish. Not even on your best day, little brother.

S: Fair enough.

...

 

S: Speaking of immortality...

D: Were we?

S: About me not being able to kill you.

D: Dude, that's not what I meant.

S: But still. How does it work?

D: Seriously, Sam, can we not do this?

S: No, really. How does your immortality work? Metatron killed you. You were dead. So then what happened? Did Crowley trigger it, or what? How did you come back to life?

D: Jesus, Sam, I don't know. This isn't Beetlejuice. They didn't give me a book.

S: A book?

D: You know. Handbook for the Recently Deceased? From Beetlejuice?

S: I thought that was from The Simpsons.

D: No, you're thinking of the time Homer Simpson got a brochure called So You're Going to Die. In Beetlejuice, Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis got the Handbook for the Recently Deceased. 

S: That would be useful right now. The Handbook for the Newly Immortal.

D: Maybe I wasn't all the way dead. Maybe I was only mostly dead. Like the Man in Black.

S: Who?

D: You know. The Princess Bride. You're kidding, Sam. We watched it, like, two days ago.

S: Oh, you mean _you_ watched it? While I was doing research?

D: You know The Princess Bride is one of those movies you always watch when it comes on TV.

S: That's your problem. You watch way too much TV.

D: Yeah, that's my biggest problem. That's what we need to be working on right now. The fact that I watch too much TV. And that reminds me. I killed Springheel Jack in Springfield.

S: Springheel Jack isn't a monster, he's an urban legend.

D: They're all urban legends until we kill them, Sammy.

S: Nope. No points for Springheel Jack, Bigfoot, aliens, or unicorns.

D: Fine. I killed a crocotta in Capital City. A shapeshifter in Shelbyville.

S: God. Just shut up.

...

 

S: New game. Only the first letter has to match. I decapitated a demon in Dallas.

D: Okay. Um... I ganked a ghoul in Grand Rapids.

S: I stabbed a shapeshifter in St Louis.

D: Maybe we ought to experiment with it.

S: What, with stabbing a shapeshifter? Been there, done that.

D: No, with bringing me back to life.

S: What the fuck, Dean? Kill you and see if you come back to life? As an experiment?

D: You're the one who brought it up. Aren't you curious?

S: Only in an academic way. Not in an experimental way. I mean, you do see the drawback to this little science project, right?

D: Cas could bring me back if I don't come back on my own.

S: I doubt that. Cas is running on fumes right now. Also, there's the fact that when you died last time, you came back as a demon.

D: Yeah, there _is_ that. But you know how to cure a demon, so, problem solved.

S: No thanks.

D: Aw, come on, Sammy. Wouldn't it be awesome to get killed in a fight, bad guy thinks he won, and then I'm just, "nope, not dead!"

S: "Awesome" isn't exactly the word I'd use.

D: Or I could pretend to be a zombie. _Braaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnnnnsssss!_

S: Not funny

D: It's a little bit funny. Anyway, I just think it would be good to know if I'm really immortal.

S: Maybe you're not. Maybe that's why you didn't get your handbook. 

D: Maybe so. Or maybe I'm supposed to write it myself.

S: Doesn't matter, because we're going to get rid of the Mark.

D: Whatever. 

S: We are, Dean. I mean it.

D: Anybody want a peanut?

S: What?

D: Shit. You're hopeless. So... I gutted a ghost in Galveston.

S: I, um. I mangled a man with a Mark in Maui.

D: Good one. Not that you could, of course.

S: Riiiiight. I bet when we get back I can lynch a loser in Lebanon.

D: No, because I'll be busy kicking the ass of a kid brother in Kansas.

**Author's Note:**

> If the first game doesn't make sense to you, you have to come up with a monster and a city. You get a point for each letter at the beginning of the monster's name that has the same sequence as the city name. OKapi and OKlahoma city both start with O-K, for two points. Quite possibly inspired subliminally by Cabin Pressure.


End file.
